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funny humor jokes

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1 funny humor jokes on Sun Aug 15, 2010 7:26 am


There was this businessman who
was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was
a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to
keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the
idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex
toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex
doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing
through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife,
and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained
his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of
anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special
attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep
her occupied for weeks, except.... and he stopped. "Except what?" the
man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo
dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the
counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols.
He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The
businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every
other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen
what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the
door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door,
and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the
vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door
could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The
voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent
once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted,
saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and
that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He
left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was
unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly
satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out,
and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch
and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced
before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried
to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried
and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten
to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital
to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and
started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the
dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road,
and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and
then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she
explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was
stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for
a second, and then said "Yeah, right.. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

The following is
an important announcement...

Police warn all
clubbers, partygoers, and unsuspecting bar regulars to be
alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by
many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is
generally found in liquid form and is now available almost
anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at
parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home
and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to
persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then
simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are
rendered helpless against this approach.

several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform
sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would
never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer," men
often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what
happened to them the night before, often with just a vague
feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times
these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has
been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be
shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer
term form of servitude and punishment referred to as

Apparently, men are much more susceptible
to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered
by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning
to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this
insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it,
there are male support groups with venues in every town
where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter
in an open and frank manner with similarly affected,
like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you,
just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

A blind man walks in to a
department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash. As
usual the store manager behind the customer service counter
looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to
stare quickly looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye
the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over
his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and
says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can
help you with?" The blind man calmly replies "No thanks -
I'm just looking around."

This duck walks into a convenience
store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The
clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck
returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again
says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck
walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past
two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every
time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back
in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed
feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next
day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk
replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

A distraught patient phoned her
doctor's office. "Is it true", the woman wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the
rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so." The doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This
prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"

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